The One Simple Trick
Getting your screenplay produced is a lot like getting married… only you’re a gawky kid in high school, and no girl wants to consider marrying you. Ewwww, think of the cooties!
How to Attract a Mate
You’re asking me? Oh, we’re so fucked in this week’s blog.
Well, as Jonathon E. Stewart once said to me, “I can’t tell you how to rob a bank. I can only tell you how I robbed a bank.”
I really don’t want to write this blog. I didn’t enjoy high school, and the idea of using it as a metaphor for how to make it as a screenwriter is a weird parallel. But it works, or it makes sense to me. Even if I hate it.
In high school, I was VERY shy. I was in the process of learning to overcome this, but shyness was something I’d have to contend with if I wanted to find myself a girlfriend. But try as I might, that seemed harder than it needed to be.
I wasn’t my current charming, witty self (who, my wife will be quick to tell you, also did not help me when it comes to finding a girlfriend, so what do I know). I had big ambitions, but in high school we’re all exploring different facets of our personality and deciding who we want to be, and what we want life to be.
Then I was handed the simplest cheat code ever.
I remember I was at a lake with my family and family friends. One of my mom’s friends said I had sturdy shoulders; a great build if I chose to lift weights. I decided to test that theory. I got my hand on some weights and would just heave the things constantly. I didn’t know what I was doing. Did you know you’re supposed to work out your triceps as well as your biceps? I thought triceps were horny dinosaurs.
But I got stronger. I had these things called abs. I got all buff and stuff.
And while I was still shy, awkward, not nearly as funny as I thought I was (all of this is still so true), I had a hot bod. So many of my flaws were much more minor compared to before. Mission: accomplished.
Happily Ever After, Right?
Not a chance.
Relationships are messy, and we all grow at different times. I had a lot of work to do on myself, and find the person not just for me, but for future me as well.
There was no way that was happening at sixteen.
I meet the occasional couple who are high school sweethearts, and I really want to follow them around and see what makes them who they are, because that’s wild to me.
But there’s a lesson here: you can shine a turd all you want, but in the end, you’ll only have a shiny turd to show for it. I guess in this metaphor I’m the turd.
Now let’s bring this back to you as the screenwriter. You’re me in high school, before the weights. You want to find a girlfriend and be happy and whatever, but there’s this little problem. You can’t. You can go up to any girl you want and say hi, but… she’s not going to give you the chance to take her to the movies or whatever it is kids do. If you’re really lucky, she’ll add you as a friend on Facebook, but she doesn’t use Facebook. That’s the same thing as giving you a fake number to get rid of you. Because Facebook is old, and you’re old too. Sorry. Had to rip that bandaid off eventually.
You’re a screenwriter. You want to find the right producer and package your scripts. You want to get them made, ideally. How do you differentiate yourself from the crowd?
You get fucking buff. You lift, bro. You lift like your life depends on it.
You make that script so attractive that whomever you approach is compelled to take a look.
Mandatory Yard Time
This isn’t a polite suggestion. You HAVE to do this. You don’t have anything else in your arsenal. The producers might fall in love with you if you both get locked in a room together for years, but odds are way better one of you will murder each other.
Instead, you need to present yourself in the most attractive way you can.
Now, you know that looks aren’t everything. I could be steamy ten out of ten over here, and that doesn’t mean we’ll get along or even like each other. The odds that we’ll want to partner up and spend years together are slim at best. What I’m saying is that the greatest script won’t help you if you give it to the wrong person.
If I were a producer and you gave me Backrooms, I’d simply be confused. This isn’t a script for me. We’re not a match. I’m sorry. It’s not you, Backrooms, it’s me. And that’s okay.
A while back, I got the chance to interview Anna Marton Henry, and we discussed how producing a project is a lot like getting married. That’s the kind of relationship you as a writer are looking for, and that’s no small ask. You better be as attractive as humanly possible.
Most writers aren’t going to put in that kind of work. The amount of heavy lifting and lessons you need to learn to accomplish this are staggering. I’m counting on it. Because I’m doing the work, and I want to turn heads. Lazy writers who clamour to be seen make me look all the more attractive if I show up with a professional script. The same will be true for you.
But you have to be ready to differentiate yourself.
One of the major aspects I discuss while mentoring writers is presenting their best professional self. Show you know what you’re doing. Have the script ready. Know who you’re pitching to.
How do you know when the script is ready?
You ask people and you listen to their notes. If you don’t believe them, get notes from other people who have sold scripts before. Working on TV? Pay for a session with Anna Henry. Film? Audrey Knox will give you great notes. Tom Vaughan as well. These people aren’t cheap, because they’re great.
I’ll also give your script a read. But I do request a favour. This is my year of growth, and I’m asking you to share this blog, even if I find it super embarrassing. Why? It’s important. Writers need to know what the journey ahead of them is.
Next week, I’ll discuss some must haves in your screenwriting that will help you ascertain whether your script is truly ready to attract the people you dream about.
Until then, you beautiful scribes, Happy Writing!
Calling out J.Stew like that! LOL